March 22, 2012
Wind and Words and winding words.

My body aches something fierce.
I need to leave. Leave town, leave state. I’m going absofuckinglutely crazy.

And tonight I feel a million emotions that make absolutely no sense. And I’m throwing up everything I eat. Except pretzel m&m’s in small (lies) doses. Pretzel m&m’s and couscous.

God fuck I’m going to gain so much weight. I’m gaining so much weight.

I need to start eating right again. And excersizing. I debated taking ipecac to get rid of everything I eat but I really like my teeth. I’ve never been very good at any of that. 

I’m sure my running shoes are collecting dust (more lies. I run barefoot).

I’m ignoring all the men in my life, which means I’m not getting any of the personal attention I need, which means I’m eating more and, subsequently, drinking more beer.

When I’m receiving the necessary male attention, I eat a considerable amount less, and I rely on caffeine and vodka and cigarettes to get through my day. And I get skinny. Not like, “holy shit she’s dying” skinny. Just right. I’m bloated and I haven’t worn makeup in three days. My eyes are kind of red and puffy and my skin looks blah. I’ve been throwing my hair up so that I don’t have to deal with it. I’ve been wearing underwear (gasp).

That’s when you know it’s bad. If I actually take the time to put on underwear with jeans then I am in a rut.

Jeans, people. They were made to freeball.

I don’t even know where this post is going.
It’s cold. And windy. And rainy. I hate Florida.

I really need to get away.